Those moments
by Draco-Zelda
Summary: She deserves better than me. I can't let her be with me.         Moments that defined Severus Snape as a person     Severus/Lily
1. That kiss

I am not a man who claims that he needs any standards past required in terms of my lifestyle and form. Although I will admit that I would fancy a shirt that isn't from my father's wardrobe and has so many wrinkles you'd think I was purposely trying to make it look bad over my dark green slacks. Honestly I would love to have some new clothes, just so I could feel like I fit in better during my summer break where I'm forced back into the hellhole of a home that has been only becoming tenser and tenser since I first went off to Hogwarts.

Father would never go for it, as far as he's concerned since I am a freak then I might as well look the part as well. That sounds cruel for a father to say to a son, but once you're told this on a frequent enough basis you become numbed to the abnormalities of your own life in comparison to others.

Everyone has a standard of what they think is normal and what they don't. I for one think that a castle where magical spells are taught to students who pride themselves in wearing robes and holding wands is normal, while my father thinks that anything _but _me would be normal enough for him.

My mother never tried to leave him. Which is why I'm fourteen (turning fifteen later this year) and still taking the beatings for her mistakes, I know I'm their son but why did she ever think that breeding with that-that monster of a man was ever a good idea.

The bruises on my arm I can live with. It's the emotional and verbal stuff that hurts; I'd much rather be beaten so brutally that I can't remember exactly why I was being abused (which has happened before) than being called _those _words by him.

What words? Freak, screw up, weirdo, and, the worst, a mistake.

Yes, my father even agrees that I should have never been conceived by him and my mother oh so many years ago. I can't say that I have any grounds to argue with that to him though, all I'm doing in his eyes is living just because my heart is beating, and it's not like he thinks that I'll be anything later in life so I bet he's just ringing his hands at the thought of having a free room in the house.

I would have done away with myself years ago if it hadn't been for her. Lily Evans. She's the only reason why I don't attempt to kill myself the muggle fashion with a rope or even perhaps an overdose on drugs. Those glistening eyes in the color of stunning emerald can make the worst day into somewhat bearable, even if my black eyes only meet hers for a moment I feel immediately cleansed. Not to mention that beautiful untamable mane of rich red hair that is always the perfect length to frame her perfect creamy white face or her uplifting voice.

However, the notable quality is her personality. With a temper as fiery as her hair she passionately puts all of her effort into what she believes. I think that's my favorite thing about her.

Am I a hopeless romantic? Hell no, I've known from day one that she's out of my league, the only reason why she talks to me is because she's such a great person. However, if she wanted to date someone there are literally hundreds of other guys lined up to fill that position I most definitely can't.

It's summer break, so the walls between me and her are slightly thinner than they are at school, although she is still the beauty queen and I am still the creepy boy who sits in the back of the room it seems less defined when there isn't a classroom full of people to see the obvious differences between us.

Peering to the clock I see that it is eleven at night, not that I'm waiting to go to sleep, I'm not that much of a loser, but I'm am waiting to sneak out just so I can see her.

Father wouldn't like it if he knew that I was spending time with one of my fellow freaks, though I would never call her one. She's far too pretty, far too smart to ever be called by such a horrid name, only I deserve the name calling around here. Anything I can do to protect her I will, on my life.

Staring at the clock I can hear the creaks on my bed as I adjust my weight, though to be honest I don't weigh much it's not like my bed is state of the art so even if I just sit on it it's bound to make some noises. I take in a deep breath; the musty smell of my room fills my nostrils with its unpleasant scent right before I release it in a sigh. The walk over to her house isn't that long, ten or twenty minutes if I take my time, but if I show up too early then I'll just risk her getting into trouble.

There once was a time where I didn't have to sneak around, but ever since her rotten sister decided to say how much of a 'bad influence' I am things have become awkward around her family when I visit during the daytime. I'm not saying that her parents say outright for me to keep away from their daughter, but they certainly aren't supporting the idea that she and I are friends.

I turn around on the opposite side, figuring that the clock won't go any faster if I stare at it; actually it seems to go slower when I use that method, and I face my door. There's a trickle of light coming in from the small crease under my door, I can hear the angry yells of my father and the desperate pleads of my mother. Just another night here at the Snape home I suppose, every night here is the same; dad yells, mom desperately tries to defend herself, and I attempt to block it all out.

Although I will admit that it's when they fight that they finally forget that I'm in the house in the summer, it's when father stops laying the guilt on me and mother stops giving me that 'I'm sorry I can't help' look, I'm not sure which one angers me more, the fact he's constantly showing his hatred or she's constantly trying to play the victim card with me, even though I know she could leave him.

I slowly close my eyes, the sounds of anger still shaking the house, and I let my breathing calm down until I think it has been long enough so I can sneak out. Finally I take another glance at the clock; it's now eleven thirty and since I'm as impatient as hell to see her I might as well make my way to her house.

Finally I get off the bed, trying to make the least amount of sound though the squeaks are audible despite my efforts. I shove my feet into my two-sizes-too-small shoes and begin to make my way to my window, sighing in relief when the floorboards scarcely creak under my weight. I open the window slowly, trying to not make a sound as I sneak out of it, looking at the towering distance between my feet and the ground.

Taking in a breath, I make the jump; I wince in pain as my body makes contact with the unforgiving land. Though even if I stopped for a moment to soothe the pain it's not like my parents would come and find me here, they're too busy in their own problems to even care about me.

However, showing pain is the first mistake, those who wear their hearts on their sleeves don't know that but I'm completely aware of it, that's why I continue to walk around through the bush that is behind my house, through the small woods that leads over to where she lives without delay.

By the time I make it Lily's house my body is nicked with small scrapes from the trees brushing against me and I'm pretty sure there are a few holes in my already well worn grey shirt that weren't there before. Damn it, I look like crap and she's probably going to look like she just came out of a magazine.

It's not like I can go back home though, not until I see her. I didn't walk over here just to turn back to go change. It's not like I can even clean myself up with magic or I'd even be screwed there too.

Lily's house is a lot nicer than mine, even though they are both two stories her house is in the just above middle class and up district while my family is in barely the middle class type of area. She happens to be on the top level, directly by a tree that I can climb up to get to her window. Does it sound cliché? Yeah, but I'm not one who's going to complain about the convenience.

I make my way up the tree, clinging on for dear life as I try to stay on. In case you haven't guessed I'm not all that strong, I'd rather be brainy than brawny. Finally once I make it to her window I knock on it with a balled fist. It takes a few moments but eventually the curtains open up to see her beautiful face looking at me.

"Hey, Sev," she says, her hair is done up in a casual ponytail and she's in a purple nightgown that, even though it's just meant for sleeping in only succeeds in making my clothes look worst than before. "Take a seat." She insists, going back to her bed and patting the spot beside her, insisting that I come in.

I oblige, trying to pull off a half smile as I sit beside her. "So…how have things been going?" I ask, my voice threatening to quiver but I manage to keep it calm.

She bites her lip and sighs. "Petunia…Sev…she really hates me. Usually when I come back from break she just says a snide comment and then ignores me but…this time she didn't even say anything." She says, taking in a breath and looking into my eyes with a gaze so personal that I'm tempted to flinch and look the opposite direction.

"She's just a muggle, who needs her?" I say, trying to comfort her. I don't know why she keeps on trying to get on her good side. When someone is so cruel to you, why would you ever want to be their friend or even accepted by them?

"_I_ need her! Sev…I know you don't understand it but…I'm her younger sister. All I want is her approval for once." Lily says to me in a tone so passionate that I flinch and look in the other direction, and she's right; I don't understand why she could want the approval of such a cruel muggle. It must be a sibling thing.

"I'm sorry…" I mumble, though I don't really mean it. Lily is beautiful, smart, and perfect, she shouldn't have to be defined by what other people think of her.

"No…it's not your fault…" She shakes her head and takes in a breath; I keep my gaze on her, unwavering as I find myself lost in her emerald eyes. With a jolt I manage to hold myself back. "I know you hate her, Sev, don't lie about it, but she's still my sister and no matter what that won't change."

I gulp, my fingers intertwining with themselves out of awkwardness as I feel a flush come on my face. "I just…she isn't helping you…she's just hurting you. I just want to protect you…" I say, shocked that the words are slipping out my mouth. It's like my lips are moving my brain has no control of what they're saying.

Suddenly a bout of warmth comes over my hands; I look to see Lily's hand over mine as she looks at me with a gaze so intense that I feel the blush creeping up my neck. "I can handle myself, I swear, Sev. Protect yourself; I really want you to keep away from Lucius and those other guys."

A twinge of anger sparks within me. "I can handle myself, they aren't so bad." I say, hating how defensive my voice sounds.

She shakes her head. "I worry about you; I worry about you all the time. I hope you watch out for yourself, because they sure aren't."

"I can take care of myself." I say reluctantly, suddenly I feel warmth against my face, one of Lily's hands is on my face, stroking the skin with a caring attribute to it. I can feel my heart beating within my ribcage, my breathing suddenly quickens.

I can feel her leaning in closer and closer, every detail of her cupids bow is visible as the plant themselves against my own. Electric waves are felt through me as I kiss back, the warmth of her skin making up for the coolness of my own, I run a hand through her untamable hair and hold the position for a few seconds.

I push her back. "I'm sorry, Lily…but I have got to go…" I mumble, already making my way out of her window and out of her house, not allowing myself to look back at her.

She deserves better than me. I can't let her be with me.

However, that kiss…that kiss will forever be imprinted in my memory of the love that I could have had, but decided to lose to protect her.

I can't hurt her.

**A/N:**

**Hi! I really hoped you enjoyed this fan fiction, I haven't written for the Harry Potter genre in...Literally years! I wanted to write something Snape centric since he he is my favourite character and I decided to add his family into it a bit. **

**Please review!**


	2. That change

Note:

I'm cheating the canon just a bit here people, Lucius is still at Hogwarts in this story even though judging by the age differences he would be out of it. However, I wanted to access the relationship between those two so I decided to cheat the timeline.

Lily.

God, I am so sorry for saying those things, please get her to take me back. This is literally killing me inside.

Great, now I sound like a whiny brat on top of an emotional mess. I might as well considering I just pushed the greatest thing in my life right to the other side of the room and out of my life forever. Why did I have to say those things to her? I never meant a single word out there, she should know that. I was just trying to appeal to them.

Lucius Malfoy…all that time I have been trying to get his approval, with every attempt comes a glance, a uttered word, and maybe even a smile directed my way that makes me come back for more, I'm like the world's worst type of drug addicted. I'm addicted to attention like some whore.

He gave it to me when I needed it, when I was beginning to doubt myself he'd turn his blonde head to me and give me a slight nod or say that I had a good idea just so I'd be reeled back in. And I fell for each and every time in a fashion similar to a laboratory rat subjected to tests.

I always had her trust, her approval, that's why I never second guessed my actions leading up to the word. I never had his, that's why I kept on pushing it, trying to make myself seem cool in the group of my superiors.

Sure, when I came back to the Slytherin dorm room everyone in my clique was patting me on the back, saying that what I did was great and was approving what I had said with open arms. It felt great to finally have the 'good job!' directed at me, but something was panging against my heart.

It was her, it's always been. It always will be. Always.

Since that summer, that one kiss; I guess I had the feeling that no matter what I did she'd be like a puppy, following me around and coming back no matter what I say or do. She's not a subjective animal, I can't control her and if I ever thought I did then I'm a fool, no more and no less.

I even begged for her approval back, that was all that I wanted. The feel of her hand on top of mine, or the caring emotion that her eyes used to carry as they gazed into mine was all gone, now replaced with the utter distain for me and everything I represent. That was the most crushing part, not the words she said, but the honesty and truth behind each and every one of them.

"Hey, Snape, how's basking in your own glory going?" Lucius says, sitting beside me by the fireplace, the sounds of the flames cracking and the scent of wood burning filling the room with a relaxing aura.

Opening my eyes I look at him, Lucius has always looked put together, even though it's the dead of night his long blonde hair is still brushed down and his robes lack any wrinkles, I guess it's because he comes from money that he's used to that type of upkeep. "Yeah, of course I am." I lie to him, trying to pull off a half smile to make him believe that I'm actually happy about losing my one true love because of one simple word that I just had to say to her.

He gives me a chuckle. "Well I would assume so, you really told that little mudblood off. She deserved it too; I hate the way she walks around, thinking that she's better than that Pureblood Potter." I'm not sure what part I balled my fist too, the word or the surname of my enemy. "Despite the fact he is a total asshole he is still Pureblood, which has to mean something." He says.

Potter, that arrogant man who has gotten everything I ever desired. The only thing I had that he hadn't was her friendship, now he has almost everything I could ever want. The only good thing is she still believes that he is an arrogant toe rag, but the question is how long until he finally cracks through her?

"I guess so…though he's still stalking her so you can't really say that he's that much better." I say, trying to avoid the word.

"Filthy mudblood," he laughs, swinging his blonde hair behind his ears and crossing his legs so casually, not even flinching that he said a word that is as bad as whore, bitch, or faggot, even if it's in the magical world racist slang is still racist slang. If I know that right now then why didn't I know it while I was saying those things?

I give a half hearty attempt at a laugh, now that Lily's out of my life, gone like the wind as one would put it, I have to play up my Pureblood side of the family as much as I can. I have to stick with Lucius and his friends and even though I hate the fact that he doesn't accept Muggleborns or Muggles in general I have to keep up this façade for as long as I need to just to be accepted.

"I'll see you later, alright, Severus?" He says; I turn around in shock; Lucius has never referred to me by anything but my surname since we've met. I nod soundlessly, wondering if he actually said that or if my mind is playing tricks on me. He gives his signature smirk before going upstairs to his bed.

Had I just been accepted? Lucius wasn't just some unpopular kid like me wanting to be cool, he actually has hold over the Slytherin common room and a position in the school, beside the fact he was prefect in his own fifth year he happens to be the head of the group I've been trying to squeeze into these five years at this school. So needless to say I'm shocked he actually referred to me by my first name.

Then it hits me; that was my test, what I had said to Lily was my defining moment in his eyes to see whether I could be in his group, so I could join in and have some sort of belonging in with them. Just because I've hung out with Lucius and his group of far more distinguished group of friends doesn't mean I have ever actually belonged with them like we were friends or anything. In fact most of the time I hang out with them I am just their background groupie or the one that they made fun of.

However, that one moment, it wasn't like he was talking to someone under him, it was like he was talking to someone he was actually proud of. I may not have any siblings but Lucius reminds me distinctly of an older brother figure; always there to make fun of me but still giving me an image to mold myself into.

I guess if I had to sacrifice my friendship with Lily, I might as well make due with what I have left to search through. I don't want to be the kid everyone pushes around in the hallways or the one who gets hexed by Potter and his equally moronic friend Black, I want to be the one who only has to turn to someone and glare at them to demand respect and make them quiver and shake.

I've never been that sort of teenager, I've always been the one in the background; you know that kid that was whispered about in the hallways about his greasy hair to unnaturally pale skin? Well that kid would have to be me. While Potter gets all the respect, all the power while I'm left here, trying to run from all the bullies.

This could be my one big break to kill off the old me, the quivering nerd that I have always despised, and become who I've wanted to be.

Yes, I have to do anything to become that person, to become stronger and feared, I don't care who it hurts. I've already pushed away the one person I loved; I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It's the only way for me to get past this.

Casting a spell to put out the flames in the fire I stand up and begin making my way to my room, when the last ember goes out I feel like I'm not only killing the fire, I'm also killing anything that I have cared about over these fifteen years of life I have lived.

Lily…I'm sorry for hurting you, it is for the best if I just forget I ever cared about you. I have to keep away from you, because I'm not sure what I will have to do to make it to the top, though it's not like you'll ever want to talk to me again so it's even good for you. That's the way I have to think of this.

This wasn't the end of my life.

It was the starting of another.

A/N:

Hey you guys! I've decided to turn this into a mini-series. I might decide to write about Snape's childhood in flashbacks in later scenes, I'm not sure exactly how much I'll write of this since this will most likely be a side project but I'll try to get a chapter out every now and then.

Please review!


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